So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
