I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
