Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
