i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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