i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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