Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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