Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
