I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
