This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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