Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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