I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
