Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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