I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
