Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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