Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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