dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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