the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
