it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
