Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
