so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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