Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
