Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Randomize
