Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
