it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
