I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
