My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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