ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
