i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
