Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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