The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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