theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
