you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
