HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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