we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
