I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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