Only a mothe r could love this liver
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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