Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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