the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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