if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
