woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
we should paint friendship bongs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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