Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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