I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize