There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
