I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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