I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
