Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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