It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We are two peas in an std pod
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
