Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
