seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
