I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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