Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
